Toxic, Probably

  I am the queen of attracting toxicity. I’m the Adrienne Barbeau (Google It) of the dating, friend, relative Swamp Thing. I’m not sure why I attract people who don’t have my best interests at heart, because, quite frankly, I am a fucking asshole. Women get called bitches but I’m proud to call myself an asshole instead. I once had a guy tell me “You can’t be an asshole. Only guys are assholes.” Au contraire, mon frere. Let me show you my wily ways.

One of the most toxic people in my life is someone I’m related to. The relationship has always been rocky but I realized just recently that it’s not me, it’s her. I’ve tried my entire life to be good enough, do enough, meet all of the expectations and I can’t, not because of me, but because those expectations are unrealistic moving targets set by someone who is intent on me not ever meeting them. I don’t know that this is done maliciously but I know that it’s toxic and I seperate myself from that.

I think I’ve figured out why I keep people at arm’s length, especially men and why I’m involved in relationships that can never become anything. It’s because I’m protecting myself from the pain of not being good enough, when I know in my heart I am more than enough. I want my own space and I’ve allowed relationships that never should’ve happened to take place. That stops now.

Toxic friends have been cut off over the past couple of years. One of the things I can’t stand are people that won’t help themselves by changing behaviors that don’t work. I had one very close friend who gets herself into the most ridiculous predicaments ever, blaming all of her problems on the loss of her significant other many years ago. What I had to realize when I ended that relationship was that she was this way BEFORE the tragedy. She took no responsibility for her continued behaviors that kept her feeding at the bottom, broke, going to jail, evicted and exhausted. Once I separated myself from trying to constantly help her and her kids it was a huge relief. I’m kind by nature but like the saying says, never mistake my kindness for weakness.

I’ve kept a relationship alive that shouldn’t be. It should’ve been ended long ago considering the circumstances. We are transitioning to friendship again which is a line we never should’ve crossed. Sometimes a drunken night turns into something that it shouldn’t have and you realize you are better than that. That, my friend, is a toxic relationship when you constantly feel like you are second fiddle and can never be chosen first. End it. It’s only going to continue to chip away at your sanity and self esteem.

To all the Swamp Things in my life… I cast you out. It’s over. I hope you enjoyed your stay in my heart. Now get out.

-THAT Crazy Girl