25 Things I Have To Say About Online Dating… A 40+ Woman’s Perspective

  I read yesterday that guys think women who are dating in their 40’s are all crazy. Batshit fucking crazy. Maybe we aren’t crazy and you’re just terrible at dating, my friend. 

With that said:

  • Make the first move. Not because I’m the woman, but because you’re interested.
  • Avoid the sexual innuendo. I have nothing witty to insert here. (See what I did there?)
  • Grow a pair. Seriously. If I don’t want to communicate with someone anymore I tell them this: “I don’t think we are a match. I wish you the best in your search”. It’s that easy. I wonder why I’m usually the one to type that and it’s because guys on dating sites apparently left their balls in their ex-wives purses.
  • Smile in your photos for fuck’s sake.
  • Do not act like a woman you just met online is your girlfriend. Don’t buy concert tickets for June in December and don’t bring her over to meet your family on the first date.
  • Don’t tell me you named your cats after your ex-wives. Plural.
  • Don’t type the STDs that you have in your bio. No one needs to know this shit when they’re looking at your photos. Too soon.
  • Leave your friends at home. No one wants to meet your female friends on the first date. No one.
  • Curb the drinking to a level below throwing up. 
  • Remove that woman in your photos. I have no way of knowing she’s your step daughter.
  • Don’t put your kids pictures in your photos. It’s not safe and it’s not making me more attracted to you to know you have three small mouths to feed.
  • What’s with the fish photos?
  • Please say more than “Hi” in your first message.
  • Don’t tell me in your bio that all three of your ex-wives cheated on you. Common denominator.
  • Please don’t have to Google what voluptuous means.
  • Please don’t lie about your height. Tall women like me (5’9″) and women in general like men we don’t feel that we’d break in the bedroom.
  • Don’t put your love for cross dressing/Bondage/Methamphetamine/Swinging out there for the world to see when the site matches our Facebook friends in common.
  • Excited to see me is nice. Texting me “Where are you?!! I’m early and thought you would at least be too!” isn’t my idea of excitement.
  • Proper utilization of your, you’re, there, their and they’re is more important than you realize.
  • Thinking I won’t know that your photos are from 1993 does me a great disservice.
  • Your girlfriend texting me from your phone will automatically cancel our next date.
  • My profession is not good reason to ask my input on that pesky digestive problem that is giving you diarrhea.
  • I’m serious when I say I’m allergic to your cat. That is non-negotiable.
  • Wearing a condom is also non-negotiable, whether you just got out of a 20 year marriage or not.
  • Remember your goddamned wallet.

This blog post may or may not indicate my personal experience. Dating blows. Have a nice day!

-THAT Crazy Girl

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