With that said:
- Make the first move. Not because I’m the woman, but because you’re interested.
- Avoid the sexual innuendo. I have nothing witty to insert here. (See what I did there?)
- Grow a pair. Seriously. If I don’t want to communicate with someone anymore I tell them this: “I don’t think we are a match. I wish you the best in your search”. It’s that easy. I wonder why I’m usually the one to type that and it’s because guys on dating sites apparently left their balls in their ex-wives purses.
- Smile in your photos for fuck’s sake.
- Do not act like a woman you just met online is your girlfriend. Don’t buy concert tickets for June in December and don’t bring her over to meet your family on the first date.
- Don’t tell me you named your cats after your ex-wives. Plural.
- Don’t type the STDs that you have in your bio. No one needs to know this shit when they’re looking at your photos. Too soon.
- Leave your friends at home. No one wants to meet your female friends on the first date. No one.
- Curb the drinking to a level below throwing up.
- Remove that woman in your photos. I have no way of knowing she’s your step daughter.
- Don’t put your kids pictures in your photos. It’s not safe and it’s not making me more attracted to you to know you have three small mouths to feed.
- What’s with the fish photos?
- Please say more than “Hi” in your first message.
- Don’t tell me in your bio that all three of your ex-wives cheated on you. Common denominator.
- Please don’t have to Google what voluptuous means.
- Please don’t lie about your height. Tall women like me (5’9″) and women in general like men we don’t feel that we’d break in the bedroom.
- Don’t put your love for cross dressing/Bondage/Methamphetamine/Swinging out there for the world to see when the site matches our Facebook friends in common.
- Excited to see me is nice. Texting me “Where are you?!! I’m early and thought you would at least be too!” isn’t my idea of excitement.
- Proper utilization of your, you’re, there, their and they’re is more important than you realize.
- Thinking I won’t know that your photos are from 1993 does me a great disservice.
- Your girlfriend texting me from your phone will automatically cancel our next date.
- My profession is not good reason to ask my input on that pesky digestive problem that is giving you diarrhea.
- I’m serious when I say I’m allergic to your cat. That is non-negotiable.
- Wearing a condom is also non-negotiable, whether you just got out of a 20 year marriage or not.
- Remember your goddamned wallet.
This blog post may or may not indicate my personal experience. Dating blows. Have a nice day!
-THAT Crazy Girl